Richard Bernard “Red” Skelton (1913 – 1997) was an American comedian who was celebrated as a top radio and television star from 1937 to 1971. By age 15 Skelton was performing on the Vaudeville circuit, and went on to Broadway, films, radio, TV, night clubs and casinos, while also pursuing painting as a parallel career.
In 1988 he received a Life Achievement Award from the Screen Actors Guild.
The following set of one liners is considered a classic on the humor circuit. They’ll never fade away, forever bringing a chuckle to anyone reading them.
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
* She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
* Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere….
* … but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
* So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
* If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!”
* So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was.
* She told me, “In the lake.”
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
* Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?”
* The driver said, “No, jump in!”
10. Remember:
* Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right.
* I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.
* I don’t like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
* I said, “Dust!”
“If some day you’re not feeling well, you should remember some little thing I have said or done and if it brings a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart then my purpose as a clown has been fulfilled.”— Red Skelton
Tags: Humor, Marriages, Red Skelton
September 18th, 2008 at 7:46 am
“Red” Skelton was one of, if not the greatest comic of our and future generations. He was capable of humor in a multitude of genres. He could make you laugh with a gesture. He never cussed. He never used pornographic imagery. And he worked for a living. He loved to make people laugh, even if it was at him. There’s nothing anyone who reads this comment can say to change my mind and any and all purile postings aside, you need to DISCOVER his works to realize I am telling you, not only the truth, but to go find out for yourself if you’ve got any convictions of your own…flame away.
September 18th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
No flames here. I grew up watching Red Skelton … it was one show my whole family enjoyed together and we never missed a week. I have very fond memories of his work. He was one funny gentleman!
September 19th, 2008 at 5:56 am
Yay for Red Skelton! He was actually a distant cousin of mine…fifth cousin, something like that? When my mom was born, he announced it on his show. He was a great comedian, and I think it has something to do with the Skelton line, because it sure didn’t come from my dad’s side!
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:38 am
Ah what fondness I felt for him when I was a youngster and still today at 67. Red always evoked laughter and made sure to end each show with a sense of warmth and a reminder that we’re all in this thing together.